Illusions – to be or not to be

#Firstly please go to last line of post.

I love to love illusions. Most of the time they are my only analgesic. Illusion that this night I am going to see a beautiful dream, who knows it can be a nightmare also or only a beautiful dream. Illusion that as I have prepared very hard, my program will definitely run before external. Illusion that tomorrow morning I will pour my heart just to explain how much I love my loved one after a tussle tonight so that it doesn’t convert into a big fight, without knowing that god has already planned a violent earthquake not giving any chance to make it eventually. But since illusions are not always deceptive at times they are pleasant too, they give some relief as well.

Sometimes I do wonder if this having illusions and not having any expectations is the same thing. I find myself saying no to myself, since I do expect many things in my illusions. I do expect my friends to help me out when I need them. I do expect my family to stand by me when my luck is not favouring me. But at the same time I let them be the part of illusion only. I don’t try to test or examine if they will turn out to be wrong or right. That’s the reason in spite of having expectations I don’t ask for any assistance until I am in over my head and that enables me to discover how many things I can manage by myself.

Believe me, sometimes this gives me an opportunity to experience an uncharted territory. More than that one thing that I enjoy is peace. Sticking to the feeling that my friends, family will be there when I need them most makes me calm. And this calmness becomes so inherent in you that even in a worse situation you are unruffled by the mundane things happening around you. It simply sinks in your behaviour, in you nature .If things in the illusions come out to be what you always wanted, everything is fine and if things don’t live up to your expectation nothing is there to be repented as they were always illusions nothing else.
But isn’t this idea of keeping illusions so fantastic that your beloved ones will be with you throughout life, your parents, your brother, your sister, your friend, your spouse, your kids without trying to discover its truthfulness? Isn’t life so beautiful believing what you want to believe, trusting whom you want to trust, loving whom you want to love, dying whom you want to die for without knowing loyalty and responsiveness on their part?
For me life is as pleasant as it is for a little kid who thinks all people surrounding him are only meant to take care of him. Little does he know when experimenting them at right time few will care to take care of him. But isn’t he living a heaven’s life for the moment. He is enjoying all happiness, fun and peace.

This stay in illusion home really makes you not to expect anything in reality but in illusions only. If you don’t get what you have expected you are no more frustrated. This sense of tranquility gets imbibed in every little aspect of daily life. A few hours ago I was just wondering why I could not come up before my tailor who was supposed to give me my stitched suits the day before yesterday, the way other woman present themselves when they make 2 rounds in two day to get their stitched clothes and still find them not ready. Though I made some frowning sentences to pressurize him so that he tries to make my stuff as soon as possible. But I felt those angry sentence were not directly coming from my heart. I was just pretending them to be come in that way. I didn’t feel like doing that.

Things or people don’t make me angry when they supposed to make me because when I really don’t expect them to make me happy I do expect them to make me angry. And expected things don’t disturb much. Both things are mutually exclusive.

But things become difficult for me when people have illusion and I am part of them. Many of my classmates think I am a talented and intelligent fellow that I am not at all, I kept them telling don’t have any misconception they don’t listen, soon they will listen my semester result. A few teachers think I am a sincere and academically good one, little do they know about my previous average academic record. I don’t know when and where they made such a perception about me. And I don’t want to be a part of fake glory, which I don’t deserve. Since it becomes a type of responsibility people want to see you carrying when actually you are not involved into. And I see only two solutions-make myself really deserve for what they been considering already or simply let them wait for the future until the result declares.i find the latter one more digestable. I swear I really don’t like to be the part of what I actually don’t belong.
How I wish keeping illusions were only my monopoly.

# Sorry friends for publishing an ultimate crap post. If you haven’t experienced frustration ever, go for it otherwise just type comment ‘what a crap’. Good opportunity for you to shower any stinging rebuke on me. and I mean it.